"I can't give you medicine yet. We won't know for another month still if the treatment worked. I'm not even going to run the bloodwork because I'm not going to give you anything for it."
"So what do I do? I can't stay awake. I'm having trouble doing my job."
"Drink caffeine. Get rest."
Drink caffeine. It was the first time I have ever heard a doctor say those words. Usually it was the first thing they tell you to stop. "Well you have ______. Cut out refined sugar and caffeinated beverages."
Today, I drank two cups of coffee so far. And now I'm sitting here, with my eyes half open, wondering how I will teach my last class of the day.
This has been my most difficult year of teaching yet. Not because of the workload or stress level. I've done it all before. Lots of times. But never like this. Never with chest pains, and heart palpitations, and total exhaustion, and shakiness, and eyes that don't want to stay open. Never when all I really wanted to do was climb back into bed. Never when I didn't care.
I don't care. I think that's what's most difficult. For the first time in my life, things have gotten hard enough on me that I can't put others needs before my own because my own needs are screaming at me. I can't outshout her. She's a scary zombie.
Nevermind. I'm just talking in my sleep.